From our communications with the client, I realized that knowing how to interpret the law per se is not sufficient to apply enough for applying it to the complex real-life business business practices.
Although I am already admitted at Osgoode, I feel that my goals will be achieved more effectively with additional tools acquired through an MBA. Our client, however, stressed that it was a treatment of non-performing loan rather than a loan on its own.
Since the securitization of the original loan reduced counterparty credit risk and meanwhile brought in future cash flow, the process was justified. From our communications with the client, I realized that knowing how to interpret the law per se is not enough for applying it to the complex business practices in real life.
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I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and I therefore assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. While preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful.
Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. She responded that she trusted my ability to succeed in the future. This comment filled me with surprise, for I realized that I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in English, they had many valuable talents. I immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and to complete them on their own. Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas.
Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program.
I learned what true leadership is, and the experience undoubtedly improved my ability to handle challenging business situations. Your explanations were clear and extremely helpful. You manage to edit my essays without changing any important fact. The thing I was mostly impressed is how you organized my essays, the weakest point in the original and how you edit the structure of my sentences, the issue I always struggle with since I am not a native speaker.
Your service was worth every penny and I would definitely recommended EssayEdge to my friends currently applying for B-schools. Additionally, it was on time … very impressive! It took me days to write the originals and you were able to polish them in the way I probably would never be able to.
Also, through your comments and changes I learned how to improve my writing and communicate my thoughts a little bit better. You almost made a frustrating application process fun. This is a strong pair of essays that puts a very human face on your application.
You come across as an engaging and likeable IT professional, and the details you provide about your personal life are both interesting and informative.
The major problem I noticed with these essays was the length of your paragraphs. It is necessary to break your discussions into easily digestible segments so that the reader is not overwhelmed by the breadth of your observations. I have substantially reworked the structure of these essays to make them more accessible to the reader. Throughout each essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems.
My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact. The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.
In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience.
Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay. I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT.
Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling. I suggest the following: This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice.
Your original introduction failed to introduce your subject to the reader in an adequate fashion or to engage his attention. See my suggestion in the text. This paragraph was too wordy, and many of your arguments were redundant. I have streamlined your discussion to make it more direct, and I have separated this paragraph into two parts to make it more readable. In addition, it was necessary to reduce the graphic description of your physical ailment.
It is better to focus on how you overcame adversity rather than to dwell on how you suffered as a child. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. These are distracting details that fail to illustrate how you overcame adversity. I suggest reducing these descriptions to a minimum.
This is a very powerful argument that does a great job of illustrating your resolve. I have highlighted and expanded upon this idea in the revised essay. This paragraph is also best divided into two separate parts. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I have provided new transition sentences to each paragraph.
This is a good place to vary sentence length for dramatic effect. I propose the following: While it is important to be honest, you should cast this detail in the most favorable light possible.
With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best. Overall, these essays now do a very good job of putting a human face on your application. I wish you the best of luck in the application process.
2 MBA Admissions Essays That Worked There is no secret formula to writing a compelling personal statement for an MBA application, university admissions officials say.
A Strong Business school Application essay Will make you stand out from the crowd. You want to get into a top business school, but you need to stand out from the tens of .
Business school admissions committees care about more than (just) your GMAT scores and GPA —they want to know who you are and why you belong in their program. Your MBA essays are your best chance to sell the person behind the résumé. MBA Essay Samples by School. Click on a school logo to see samples of real essays that helped ARINGO clients get accepted to that school.
A graduate of Yale University, Ryan has worked in various admissions capacities for nearly a decade, including writing test-prep material for the SAT, AP exams, and TOEFL, editing essays and personal statements, and consulting directly with applicants. Sample MBA Admissions Essays EssayEdge offers all users free access to over admissions essays accepted by the United States' top undergraduate, graduate, and professional programs.